Monday Morning: A To Do List

By: Gennie and Carrie

1. Spend 30 minutes screaming at mom to go in the kitchen when she is, in fact, in the kitchen

2. When mom picks you up, jump down and scream that she's not holding you right.

3. Repeat step 2 twenty times

4. Pee on mom

5. Squeeze a pear-spinach pouch all over mom's work outfit

6. Yell at mom as if she is somehow responsible for 5.

7. Toothpaste in hair

8. Yell that your sock isn't on right

9. Yell that your sock isn't on right

10. Yell that your sock isn't on right

11. Demand fruit snacks

12. Yell that your sock isn't on right

13. Attempt to get dressed yourself

14. When mom tries to help you after your 5th attempt at putting your diaper on (backwards), start over

15. At preschool, refuse to go in classroom.

16. Big hug.

Comments

Air Travel: A Toddler's Guide to Success

While waiting to board the plane, rub the dress of the woman standing next to you. This is the only way to know what the dress feels like. Within 90 seconds of getting on the plane, begin saying: " I WANNA GET OUTTA HERE!!" Wait for the only crabby flight attendant ever to be employed by Southwest Airlines to walk by. Stand up in your seat. Smile until the crabby flight attendant reprimands Mom for her inability to restrain you. After Mom asks you to sit on your bottom 14 times, turn around and say to the people sitting behind you: "I don't want to sit on my bottom." Stand up and yell: "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF" while the flight attendant is giving instructions, and loud enough so the passengers hear you (not her). Wait until the fasten seat belt sign is on. Demand electronics. When Mom gives you a Playaway and your sister a DVD player, ask to trade. When Mom facilitates the trade, sob. Loudly clarify that you want

Sister Sleepover

Girls are having a sister sleepover in Gennie’s room. 5:00 a.m. Gen, in her super indignant voice: Carrie has to go to her room. She woke me up and she said something very bad. She told me that I’m very small! Carrie: well she can’t pick me up! Mom: you guys are both very big and strong but you need to go back to bed Carrie: Well I have to go to my room because I hit her. Mom: You can finish the sleepover.* 5:02 a.m. Mom hears Gen crying. Mom: what happened? Gen: Carrie kicked me in the head! Carrie: I was going to get her an ice pack. Carrie is now sobbing because Mom made her finish sleeping in her own room. 6:00 p.m.: Both girls request another Sister Sleepover. *Mom does not make good decisions at 5 a.m.

Lies I've Told My Children

Barney is broken. So is Caillou. So is Caillou's Holiday Movie. Deweys Pizza doesn't have lemonade on the menu. They didn't have apple juice at Trader Joe's. The pool is closed. They didn't have apple juice at Target. Trader Joe's is out of juice samples. Yes. It’s possible that Mom has a cousin who is half human, half animal, and just forgot. There’s no vegetables in carrot ginger soup. Santa does not send the Elf on the Shelf to houses until the oldest child turns 5. They didn't have apple juice at Walgreens. There's no vegetables in that smoothie. Just apple juice. And lemonade. We know there are no monsters because Easy is quiet. Remember how loud Easy barked at the mail carrier? Just think how loud she would bark at a monster. If you get a booboo on your big toe and your toenail falls off, if you put it under your pillow, the toenail fairy will come and bring you a surprise.

Nusbickering

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