While waiting to board the plane, rub the dress of the woman standing next to you. This is the only way to know what the dress feels like.
Within 90 seconds of getting on the plane, begin saying: " I WANNA GET OUTTA HERE!!"
Wait for the only crabby flight attendant ever to be employed by Southwest Airlines to walk by. Stand up in your seat. Smile until the crabby flight attendant reprimands Mom for her inability to restrain you. After Mom asks you to sit on your bottom 14 times, turn around and say to the people sitting behind you: "I don't want to sit on my bottom."
Stand up and yell: "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF" while the flight attendant is giving instructions, and loud enough so the passengers hear you (not her).
Wait until the fasten seat belt sign is on. Demand electronics. When Mom gives you a Playaway and your sister a DVD player, ask to trade. When Mom facilitates the trade, sob. Loudly clarify that you want to trade headphones, so that you won't be able to hear your device and neither will your sister.
Scream "I HAVE A POOPIE" so everyone on the plane can hear you. Repeat.
Produce a #5 dirty diaper mid-flight - but not until you verify that there are no changing tables in the airplane bathrooms. Make sure you soil your pants, too, requiring their disposal into an airplane bathroom trash receptacle too small to contain a pair of pants. While Mom is changing you while you stand in the tiny airplane bathroom sink, jump up and down. Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep at the top of your lungs. What a fun day!
Reach through the seats in front of you and pull the hair of the woman sitting in front of you. When that gets old, stand up on your seat and rub the head of this woman. This is how you make friends.
One day while you and your sister are napping, and your father is listening to civil war podcasts, Mom will run to Target and painstakingly select crafts, games and toys from the One Spot to occupy your time on the plane. Use these items up in the first ten minutes. Bonus: if any One Spot items include small pieces, throw them up in the air to see where they land.
At baggage claim, wait until Dad has retrieved 7 bags and 2 car seats, and Mom and Dad have zero free hands because they are pushing your little sister in a stroller and/or carrying said 7 bags and 2 car seats. Then, refuse to walk. Also, scream loud enough for everyone around you to look at Mom and Dad like they will receive a visit from Baby Services sometime soon.
When you are finally back home in your house, begin asking when you can go on an airplane again.
Don't forget, it's so much fun to give Dada a stroke by taking off down the TSA security exit ramp when you are just minutes away from boarding your connecting flight!
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